Simon's Journal
by SeaTurtle77
Summary: Simon keeps a journal, one entry for each chapter of the book, up until his early death.
1. The Sound of the Shell

I admired how Ralph gave a stunning speech in the face of the disaster of the crash- we were all shell-shocked by what happened, and were still numb. I still couldn't believe it happened, us on the island all by ourselves- like something out of the moving pictures. It was surreal. Yes, that's the word. Like being in the dentist's chair. But I went with Jack and Ralph, feeling so privileged that I was chosen- no one ever noticed me, but Ralph did. Out of all the other boys, he chose me. Me!

We were exuberant, on the mountain- an entire world of freedom opened up to us, no grownups anywhere to tell us what to do. Our bad… our grave situation didn't quite hit us yet- after being cooped up for so long in the world of rules and law, here we are- free. Of course we want to go back home. The little ones know that more than the rest of us. But not yet- not when there's a whole island to explore. It has everything we need- food and water, and plants and animals. I love the brilliant-colored birds, the way they flew up when Ralph blew the conch, like a living rainbow. The butterflies flit among the trees like flecks of gold- here one moment, and gone the next. We had dropped out of the plane into the Garden of Eden.

But then my state of mind changed later that same day. There was this piglet, tangled in the vines, helpless. Jack raised his knife, preparing to strike it. Then he hesitated, and in that moment I understood what would happen if he let that knife swing down. He would be ending another life. Murder, though not really, but close. Then the piglet darted away. I was relieved that he did not get to do it- I was afraid of what might happen if it had not broken free.

Jack tried to cover up his weakness, but we all knew it was there. Why is being unable to take a life shameful? But it is. Jack is a much bigger boy, with a bigger ego that he could not afford to lose. I don't really have one, now that I think about it. Is pride obscuring Jack's humanity?


	2. Fire on the Mountain

Ashamed. That's how we all feel now, now that the littlun, the boy with the birthmark, had disappeared into the forest- the forest that was replaced by an inferno, roaring ominously, as if challenging us to deny our guilt. We don't want to admit it, but the truth stared us in the eye as we watched acres of forest ravaged by smoke and flame disintegrate into ashes, like his little body.

He died in the fire. The same fire we were so careless about. The same fire we were so eager to build. I'm disgusted I was part of that, that… murder. I mentioned murder earlier, but this was real murder. That morning we had failed to kill an animal, but now we have succeeded in killing a person.


	3. Huts on the Beach

I was tired of the power struggle between Jack and Ralph. It's pathetic, really, how they would feud over the smallest things. Here, of all places, is where we need to stick closest together. All this discord is harmful to our chances of survival.

Jack's changed. It's been a few weeks now, and the change is frightening. Not just because he looks different, we all do. But he's becoming more… withdrawn- not the proper, organized chapter chorister anymore, not his old self. He's becoming… restless. Some change's gone over him, making him more part of the earth than part of humanity. It's the forest, I think. It's drawing him in.

I wandered into the forest, after witnessing yet another quarrel between them. It's a clearing, in the middle. Jack could've been here. He's been everywhere. But selfishly, I found myself hoping not. I felt dirty, polluting this pristine, blissful environment with my presence. The peaceful, undisturbed fluttering of the butterflies, the busy humming of the bees. They've been here for much longer than we, yet we could not live with each other like they do here. Nature is truly full of wonders. This clearing, this spot- it's a glimpse back into the joy of morning of the first day, when Jack and Ralph, and I, frolicked without a care in the world in the flowers, with no rivalries. Everyone was friends then. I stayed for a few more hours, watching the sunset melt into the foliage, and a few hours more, just breathing in the clear scent of the flowers and of the ocean and of the night. Bathed in moonlight, the clearing was aglow in silvery beams, and every perfect white flower that bloomed innocently out of the unassuming waxy green buds of the day looked to me like the feathers of an angel…


	4. Painted Faces and Long Hair

It really was a blur, like that first day. I really don't know what to feel. One moment I was peaceful- swimming in the pool, cares forgotten, and the next moment there was confusion- a ship. All of it came back- the hope, the possibility… everything. Rescue. Going home. But the fire was out, because Jack needed more people to catch the pig.

I really don't know what to feel. Disappointed? Of course I was disappointed- we could've been rescued. An opportunity missed. The only one? I don't know. Should I feel angry? Perhaps- but I don't have a reason to be angry. Jack knew no ship had come for months… and it was just pure coincidence that the ship came when it did. It wasn't Jack's fault. Not really.

I once thought they'd be friends. But now they are like enemies. Ralph is leader, and everyone respects him. But Jack wants it, we can all tell. Used to a life of leading. Head boy. Chapter chorister. This has been brewing for weeks, but the last straw was when Jack apologized but Ralph didn't forgive. There's no going back now- poor Ralph. He must regret it. It wasn't really his fault either- it looked like it just slipped, out of frustration and anger.

Despair. I've decided it's how I feel. It's falling apart. Everything. Everyone.


	5. Beast from Water

I tried to warn them- the chaos inside humans. I understand now. It's not the island, nor the pigs, nor the lust for blood, nor the isolation that's breaking us up. It's just us. That spot, the clearing- natural, peaceful. How could that ruin our true selves? But the ruin is our true selves. Under the mask of civilization, the ruin is our true selves.

They don't understand. They never really did, but I didn't have anything for them to understand then. The place. The clearing- it was a secret.. Anyway, how would I explain? They would laugh at me, and ruin it- ruin my anchor to sanity. My sanctuary. The one thing that kept me from becoming like the hunters.


	6. Beast from Air

How is it possible that they- Sam and Eric- saw the beast? I know that isn't real- know it deep inside. It's just a game that we're all playing- a game that started with the littlun and made fear, and that fear caused us to imagine things that causes more fear. It's surreal. There's definitely something on the island, something sinister, but it's not a beast.

I've never actually walked into the clearing. I always just stood at the edge of it, every twilight. I don't know why I didn't enter. Perhaps the spell would be broken if I go in. Tainted. Nature there was a blessed thing. It was pure. And I felt… I felt like a sinner in church.

No one really cares about me on this island. It's not their fault. I'm just not… one of them. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. Ralph is concerned about me- but, then again, he's concerned about everybody these days. The beast scares him. Well, no, it doesn't really. But he's still… fearful. I tried to tell him, tried to tell all of them that there is no beast. But I'm not Ralph, or Jack. They don't want to listen to me. It's not their fault.


	7. Shadows and Tall Trees

I admired Ralph, before. Now I just feel sorry for him. Today, watching the ocean- the endless expanse of water separating us from our homes- I guess it really hit him how insignificant we are. In that moment, I could almost see the hope evaporating from him.

But he is going to get home. I know, because… well, I know. The world isn't evil. It's not good, either. But it's not evil. And Ralph is going to get home all right.

The hunt this afternoon was out of control. Sanity was just dripping away. And the pretend-hunt, the act, at the end? It sickened me. Out of control. I went back to the beach when I had the chance. I don't want to be a part of Jack's disgusting team. It's not their fault, of course. But it was still disgusting.

All of them, including Ralph, looked at me like I was crazy when I volunteered to go into the forest alone. I must have seemed it. But there is no beast. All of them have really lost their minds. Of course, it's not their fault. I know that this island, this entire thing could do that to a person.

It's happening to me, too. Going back to the first thing I wrote when I got there, my first journal, I could see how I've changed. I was a boy who wanted real friends, and attention and recognition. I was using big words to impress even myself! It's kind of funny, when I read it. Reading something I wrote such a long time ago… but it's not really a long time ago, is it? A few months. Only a few months. It could do that to a person.


	8. Gift for the Darkness

I was surprised when nobody agreed that Ralph was a bad chief. I expected at least a few people to raise their hand. But I suppose that everyone knows he isn't. They could be led to believe that he's not a good chief, but accusing him of being a bad chief was too much. But Jack just wants support- it's not his fault.

The only way to get through to most people is to seem rational and in control, but also not make too radical ideas. Like most of mine. Like the ideas of… Galileo? Copernicus? I'm forgetting everything I learned in school, back when I was part of civilization. People could not accept anything that varies too greatly with what they already believe. They fear change. It's not their fault.

It's not their fault, but I was done with them. At first I thought they'd just all turned into savages. But no, it's worse. They are still people, being people. "Savage" is a biased word. Only civilized people use it to call natural people. Natural people are evil. Civilized people are evil. People in general are evil. Only civilized people have a mask to hide their evil- civilization. And being hypocrites, civilized people accuse natural people of evil and savagery. And when the mask is taken away, what is left? Evil. It's just the way people are, the way we are all born into. It's not our fault.

I'm a hypocrite. I'm a person too. I'm evil on the inside. I'm disgusted with myself. The clearing. Nature is neither good and evil- and the clearing is the closest thing I have to good here. I needed some good. Wait, that was the wrong thing to say. I should not have anything, the despicable creature that I am. I merely wanted some good. So I sat there, in the clearing, drinking in the nature, the indifferent good and evil of nature, and denying myself anything else. I don't deserve anything else. None of us do.

Then the head was talking to me. I was delirious, but I knew it was him. "The whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one." From 1st John 5:19. The Bible. Even though we memorized countless Bible verses in school, this is the only one I could remember now. And it's true. The island. England. Wherever we were being sent. Home. Everywhere. There is no hope, even if we were rescued at that instant. How could I ever look at someone again, without being repulsed by the blackness in his heart?


	9. A View to a Death

For a long time I just laid there in the clearing, being useless. But I needed to help the others, so that they would not be blinded by their fear. The beast was not the dead man on the hill. It was really the Lord of the Flies. And the Lord of the Flies was part of us.

"We know that we originate from God, but the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one." It's the complete verse. Was it always like this? Our evil? I never really believed the things they thought us. But now, strangely, they are coming back to me. Is there pure good in the world? A God, or something else? There is pure evil. I think… I think there is. I think there is hope, after all. Pandora's box was full of evils. But hope was in it too.

It's not their fault that they lost control and hurt me. Killed me. Perhaps I would have done the same thing, perhaps not. But it's not their fault. See, people are just living Pandora's boxes. So that makes them almost completely evil… but not quite. Hope is what sets us apart from other living things. It's not our intelligence. Animals have that too. It's hope. The Lord of the Flies, Satan, the wicked one, is completely evil. God, if He exists, is completely not evil. But people aren't completely evil. But people have mostly Satan and a little bit of God in them. It wasn't the box's fault that so much evil was put into it. And it's not our fault either.

I'm not angry at myself anymore. All humans are dirty, foul creatures, capable of murder and whatever else. But they could also hope. They could believe in God. They could always wait for the sunrise. And that's what humans are. Hope is part of my nature. So I'm going to hope now. I hope this will come to a happy end. Not just us, but the grownups out there somewhere, using their ability to murder to the fullest. I hope I'll go somewhere happy too. It's possible. And it's selfish, but I'm not afraid to hope. And I hope that someday, maybe soon, maybe later… I hope that the wicked one will see it too. I'll be praying for him. Hoping. Because what is hope? All hope comes down to believing in God, that He will do what is right for us, and for the rest of the world. I'll be hoping for that too.


End file.
